Let's get the pedantries over and done with...

I can't help it, I am a pedant in the extreme.

I know I am, I know it annoys others, it even annoys myself, and I try to keep a lid on things as much as possible.

But... it can attack at any time, sometimes without warning. Other times it builds slowly, until I can contain it no longer, and I find myself exploding with the most trivial of observations that for some reason don't seem to bother the living hell out of anyone else. At which time, of course, I feel obliged to inform everyone who cares to listen (or perhaps more accurately, hasn't yet learnt to switch off when I "go off on one") of the correct phrase/fact/behaviour, etc., fit for the occasion.

"Grammar" in all its many and varied forms, causes me most angst - spelling, pronunciation, punctuation and such.

I'm one of those who pulls out one's hair at "10 items or less". I guess we all now know it should be "fewer"... no... we do, don't we?

The latest in a similar vein that is getting to me is a trailer for Coast on one of the uktv channels, where Nicholas Crane happens upon a sign warning, one presumes, that "Nudists may be seen on this stretch of beach".

!!!

MIGHT be seen... or is the council giving permission? Perhaps there's an honesty box.

Another thing that bugs me is Americanisms.

(Now before any US readers get up in arms, I should point out that Americanisms are perfectly fine for Americans, upon which I shall expand in due course.)

I don't particularly mean American words, rather American pronunciation by British people of English words.

I've been asked to prepare a [skedule] at work.

It was the MD who asked, so I thought better of carrying out my desire to throttle him there and then, shouting "Not [skedule] dumbass*... [SHEDULE]!!!"

I think, all things considered, that was probably a good move.

But, do you know what really gets my goat?

Non-words.

Not new words, of the kind coined to express some action/state/situation, etc., etc., etc., etc., where there is a current gap in the vocabulary, but, more accurately, non-words where a perfectly serviceable word already exists.

And, par-TIC-ular-ly, Corporate Management BS Non-Words where a perfectly serviceable word already exists.

The ulitmate sin, in my eyes - though I'm open persuasion otherwise - is "Proactive".

What the hell is proactive supposed to mean?

Common parlance seems to be something along the lines of, "Issue X is about to kick off, and it could mean we have systematic problems that will need resolving, so let's be proactive guys," followed by the facial equivalent of a thumbs-up and a go-get-'em-Floyd attitude.

"Huh? Proactive? Whaddya mean 'proactive'?"

"Well, let's have a real-time solution for combatting the issue."

"Oh, so you mean 'active'?"

"No, I want us to be more than active. We don't want to be reactive, we want to be pre-prepared**. We wanna be proactive!"

"Oh, you mean preactive... or perhaps pre-emptive, then?"

"Well, call it what you want, we just need to be ready."

Yeah, well, I think you'll find you're just "calling it what you want", matey-peeps.

You see, a pedant's life is not a happy one.

I suppose I should think about rounding this missive off, before the blood-pressure reaches levels beyond the recuperative capabilities of my current medication.

So, as a (near) final point of clarity, I should like to point out that any embarrassing errors of spelling or punctuation, particularly in this submission are fair game to my kindred spirits out there, though please be advised that such are almost certainly on account of me not being able to type!

However, I grudgingly acknowledge, and you may have noticed, that I do seem to subscribe to the It-must-be-time-for-one-now School of Comma Insertion, and I am a fully paid up member of the Too-many-exclamation-marks Society.

But nevertheless, my pedantic brethren and brethrenesses, here, you have refuge, where you will find sympathy, understanding and perhaps some solace.

And finally, my favorite pedantry joke...

Q. Who led the Pedant's Revolt?

A. Which Tyler.


Footnotes:
*See... American words are fine.
** Pre-prepared... that's another one!