Teenagers, eh?

If you’ve been paying close enough attention to the comments added to my blog, you might have noticed a rather forward-sounding individual going by the name of Zanna_x.

Only the occasional “Dad” gives the game away that Zanna_x is indeed the fruit of my loins (do I detect a clothing franchise there?), and hence is allowed to take enormous liberties that would result in the swift decapitation of any other such offender, or at least would send me into a severe case of the sulks!

Yes… I have… (gulp!) a “Teenage Daughter”!!!

Well, those of us of a certain age (i.e. 20 plus!!!) know that today’s Teenagers know nothing.

Thay carn’t spel, do’nt no nuffink about grammer n puncturation, bearly knoe there ABDs, an’ adinup? That’s for swotty lame-oes!

Oh, and if you actually ask them anything… the stock response is “Wha’?”

We-e-e-e-e-e-ll, I suppose the real truth is; they do know some things… just different things.

They know how to program DVD players for a start, and they know just how many gigabutts there are to an iPodsworth, and therefore just how many years of music they’ll never listen to they can carry around with them on a nifty gadge that costs barely 120 quid. (Although they’ve no idea how much 120 quid is!)

They DON’T know what LPs are, for Pete’s sake… although after a brief debrief on the subject, my Teenage Daughter now equates them to mp minus 10s. (I thought mp zeros, but apparently that’s FAR too modern for this old codger!)

It seems that after years of tuition, they can scarcely string two words of their native tongue together into a sentence, and yet they’ve developed a whole new language from scratch. Thr gr8 @ txtn.

But, and this frightens me, most seem to know exactly what they’re going to do with their lives.

As I teenager I certainly didn’t, and even now I pretty much walk around in a daze as the whole world passes me by in a blur. (If it weren’t for my Teenage Daughter, I’d have absolutely no idea what’s hip and groovy these days.)

But go on… look at her profile!

She’s got A-levels sorted, what she’s going to do at Uni, how she’s going to earn a living (my little pension plan) and where… not in the UK you’ll notice!!! And she’s got a Plan A, a plan B AND a plan C!!! And (get this!!!) that’s before she’s even mentioned the alternative source of income that she’s already planning to supplement her main career. (I didn’t plan to get that many “plans” in there… it was just skill!)

So, what happened? Did I miss the meeting where this was all agreed?

Or has there been some sort of firmware upgrade? Downward compatibility’s gone out of the window a bit with Teenager v2006 but the expansion potential…!!!

And have you seen the musical instruments?

That’s the oddest one-(wo)man-band I’ve ever come across… and I haven’t the foggiest idea how she’s going to carry those drums!

But that’s beside the point – doubtless she’ll get one of the entourage to take care of it.

On the other hand, some things, I guess, never change.

Moods and attitudes – yeah I remember those!

My mum used to give me that “I know what you’re thinking – stop thinking that!” line. Cue lots of pet-lip, wrinkled brow, denying everything and wondering just how does she know! Now I understand… it’s written all over their cherubic faces, ain’t it?!

And they also have causes.

It was “Nuclear Power – No Thanks!” in my day, complete with yellow window sticker – can’t quite remember whether it had a smiley face, a cross face or a radioactive face, but I’m sure you know the one.

Well, my Teenage Daughter is a vegetarian… I don’t know where I went wrong!

Actually, to be fair, and to avoid getting kicked, I should point out that she is vegetarian for the only reason valid, in my opinion. And that’s because she wants to be.

It stems from a number of things, I think; the ethical treatment of animals and a healthy lifestyle are on the list, and I believe she’s pretty well clued up enough to be asking herself the right kinds of questions and testing her own principles. (The problem with having principles, of course, is you have to stick by them!)

But, by gum, does it cause problems at mealtimes.

She loves cheese, in fact она очень любит сыр (где мой сыр? Private joke!) but cheese, and for that matter, dairy, really does make her ill… and if you take away meat and dairy… er… what’s left?

“Erm… Air on toast please, hold the butter… oh and has the bread been near any animals…? It has… rats!!!”

“Rats on toast?”

“Er no… just a glass of water, please, no flies.”

OK, I made all that bit up, but we did, just this weekend, get embroiled in this very conversation at a local baker’s…

Me: “Do you want to share a vegetable pasty?”

Daughter: “Do you want to?”

Me: “Yes, do you?”

Daughter: “OK then.”

Me: “Well, we’ll need to check it’s vegetarian pastry.”

Daughter: “I hadn’t thought of that!”

Me: “Does your vegetable pasty have vegetarian pastry?”

Mabel: “Ooh, I don’t know. Does the vegetable pasty have vegetarian pastry, Doris?”

[Strange look from Doris.]

Me: “Is it just butter in the pastry, or is there lard?”

Doris: “Ooh, I don’t know love, do you know Mabel?”

Mabel: “No, I don’t know Doris.”

Doris: “Do you know Betty?”

Betty: “What’s that?”

Doris: “Does the vegetable pasty have vegetarian pastry?”

Betty: “Ooh, I don’t know.”

Doris: “I’ll go and find out for you.”

[Doris walks into back room… to make a telephone call!]

Me: “You see, it’s my daughter, she’s vegetarian, and she hadn’t thought of that.”

[Notice how I surreptitiously deflected the blame there?]

[Doris returns.]

Doris: “She’s on the ’phone, but I’ve left a message on the voicemail.”

[Ooo… get Doris!!!]

Mabel: “Ooh, she could be ages, don’t really know when she’ll ’phone back!”

Doris: “Ooh yes, she could be ages.”

Me: “Not to worry, I’ll have a steak slice.”

Well there’s always a way round life’s little problems, ain’t there?!

Anyway, I suppose I should end this piece in time-honoured “Dad” fashion, and embarrass my daughter… it is, after all, what I’m for.

Really real truth be told, my daughter can spell, she’s hot on grammar and punctuation, she knows her ABCs and for that matter her АБВы, and she’s doing adinup at A-Level, so she must be good at that too. She’s even borrowed a book from me (“Does Anything Eat Wasps?”) and is finding out all sorts of stuff that will come in handy for when her teenage kids know nothing. She knows the value of a penny and what a record is. She can string hundreds of words together and frequently does, and she cn txt @ lite speed. She really can play all those instruments and she really does have a lifeplan. What is more, she makes sure I don’t get too out of touch with the modern world. She makes me laugh, and I love her so much I generally feel like I’m going to burst.

But most of all, she’s the best daughter you could wish for and I’m the World’s Proudest Dad.

Love you, sweetie! xxx